It started on Tuesday, April 7th at my 39 week checkup. I was 39 weeks and 2 days. I went in knowing I would be talking about induction, as the past few weeks had been pretty hard on my body, with high blood pressure, LOTS of swelling, and even protein in my urine. I even told my mom (who drove me to the appt) that I wanted to eat lunch with her at Back Yard Burgers because I thought it might be our last lunch just her and I. And I was right!
Jason met us at the doctors office. At the appointment we checked the fluid and weight of baby Peep on the ultrasound. My fluid level was a 6 and baby was estimated to be 8 lbs 4 oz. This scared me a little! When we were able to talk to the doctor he said he was concerned about the lowish fluid level (I think he said a 4 was considered dangerous and an 8 was considered normal so it was right in between.) He was also worried about my swelling/bp/protein and didn’t want me to go any longer. In fact, I had gained 8 lbs in 4 days! So as much as I didn’t want an induction, we knew it was the best thing. He hated to suggest it because he knew its not what we wanted, but he wanted to do what was best for baby girl. As did we.
Just hearing that I was going to be induced made me want to throw up. I was so nervous!! We went ahead and checked into labor and delivery around 3 PM. I was so frazzled I gave Jason’s super old cell phone number (from when we were dating!) that I cant even tell you if you asked me for it now! I got changed and into my gown and the nurse came in to get all my info. She said they would start the cervidil and allow it to work overnight, since I was only 1 cm dilated and just “soft” (whatever that meant.) My doctor said that cervidil could put me into labor but that was very rare and that he would see me in the morning to start the pitocin.
After they inserted the cervidil I had to lay on my side for a few hours without moving. That sucked! Jason, my mom and my dad were all with me though to keep me company. We were all nervous and excited at the same time. I just couldn’t believe I would be meeting my baby girl in about 24 hours!
That night seemed to go by very quickly and very slowly at the same time. My parents stayed for awhile and my aunt and uncle came by. While they were there I started having contractions. They were bearable and I was able to talk through them. However, once they left around 8 PM I started to really feel the contractions. They started getting harder and faster, to the point that I was in pretty bad pain. I don’t remember much, other than that I wanted hard candy and immediately spit it out once Jason gave it to me! I also wanted him to get me a honey bun from the vending machine and as soon as he came back I told him I didn’t want it! The nurse was afraid I would get sick by eating it. Sometime around midnight the labor started to get VERY intense. I don’t know if it was the cervidil or if I was coincidently going into labor on my own, but it was miserable. I wanted to crawl out of my skin! I tried walking around, I tried moving, nothing helped. When the nurse came to check my cervix I about lost my mind. It was the worst pain I had ever felt or could imagine feeling! I was still around 1 cm dilated. The contractions were coming so fast and furious that finally I asked for pain medicine. I don’t remember how long they lasted but there was no time in between them for me to rest. I would look at the monitor and think the peak had come but it would continue getting higher and higher! I had originally wanted NOTHING to do with pain medicine, but I always said I would change my plan if I was induced. So once I got that cervidil my plans changed! They gave me Stadol, which I had heard was horrible, but I LOVED it! It was a pretty good trip I was on the first round of Stadol, but by the 3rd round the contractions were just too hard for it to have any effect. Jason was such a great labor coach, he was trying to help me breath and rubbing me to help me get through the pain. However, around 3 AM (I think I was only dilated 4 cm) they gave me an epidural. The thing I was so terrified of was a piece of cake! I loved it! I guess I slept some because I don’t remember much else from those wee hours of the morning.
Throughout the contractions, baby Peep’s heart rate did get lower. Nothing horrible, but apparently it was stressed enough that my doctor wanted to slow my labor down. The contractions were continuous and she must not have had time to recover between them. I still to this day don’t understand what happened. I was too out of it to question anything. They gave me Terbutaline, and everything changed after that. The medicine gave me horrible shakes. I was 4 cm when they administered it around 4 AM. Doctor came and broke my water around 7 AM and nothing changed. They gave me pitocin an hour later, nothing changed. I stayed at 4 cm for the rest of the day. It was horrible. They kept checking me and checking me, no change. The contractions were apparently strong (I couldn’t feel them until my epidural wore off…OUCH! Thankfully they gave me more medicine after I about lost my mind and killed the anesthesiologist who was no where around! Apparently I went without medicine for a while…the anesthesiologist was shocked that no one had given me more medicine. Whatever.)
Several times Peep’s heart rate would decline and about 8 nurses would run in and move me around and give me oxygen. This was the scariest thing I have ever been through. I would look at Jason and he would assure me that everything was ok, although I knew he was just saying that to calm me down. At one point they put a monitor in her scalp to get a better reading. I was just so scared and nervous and ready for all this to be over.
I have to mention that we had a nursing student with us the entire day. Don’t get me wrong, I am all about students learning and I understand they have to do that on the job. However, she drove us INSANE! She was asking me all these silly questions that I did not have time for (like, did I take any prenatal vitamins…did I get morning sickness…did I plan to breastfeed, etc) and she kept getting in Jason’s way when he would try to coach me. I was so glad when she left! (However…she did reappear once while we were in the postpartum room a few days later!)
Around 3 PM my doc came in to check me – again, only 4 cm. It was at this time that he said we needed to get her out. He said he could let me continue to labor for 12 more hours or so (I had been in that room for 24 hours at this point), but he knew it would end in a c-section. Something was causing her to be in distress. The nurses could feel her head and couldn’t believe she was so low and I wasn’t dilating further. Nothing was making sense. My doc didn’t want to increase the pitocin any more because it obviously wasn’t working. My body was NOT ready to have this baby, but this baby needed to be born.
So around 3 PM we said ok to the c-section. The nurse told me things would go quickly and it was all a blur at that point. One thing that I remember was that Jason said a special prayer for us and the baby before we left the labor room. We both cried…tears of nervousness, and tears of joy. They wheeled me in the operating room and Jason suited up. I was all alone and very scared. I kept asking for Jason and they told me he would be in soon, but I was still nervous. Thankfully I already had the epidural so they just gave me more medicine there. My doctor joked that if anyone would puke during the procedure it would be me…I tried to laugh but I was out of it. Finally they allowed Jason in, after they made sure I was good and numb. I remember holding his hand and feeling some tugging, and then she was out! It took longer than I thought it would, I guess he was taking his time. Jason stood up to see her (something he regrets, as there was a lot of blood!) She was born at 3:19 PM
She cried out immediately (thank goodness!) and they all commented on how big she was. Turns out she was sunny side up and pretty much stuck in the birth canal. She had a severe cone head, which was why the cervix was low. It was deforming her head and pushing my cervix down, but she was not descending like she was supposed to. They took her to get cleaned up and Jason left me to be with her. It was then that I really got scared. I could hear them talking about sewing me up and such and I was so alone and frightened. I started to feel sick and thankfully the anesthesiologist was right there when I needed to puke (of course I did!) The anesthesiologist that I had hated so much (because my medicine ran out earlier in the day) was the sweetest lady and was so good throughout the procedure. I do remember thinking how horrible it was and that I never wanted to go through this again. I wanted to be with Jason and my baby girl and I had no idea where they were.
Jason tells me now that he brought our daughter, Lillian Brooke, to see me while I was still on the table. He said I was emotionless and didn’t say anything but “I’m too tired.” I just had a blank look on my face. He said it terrified him. I was just out of it, and I don’t even remember this.
They told me she was 7lb 11 oz and 19.25 inches long.
Everyone in the room commented on how beautiful she was. I hated being tied down and unable to see her. I remember asking how much longer and they telling me not much. I just wanted to be with Jason and Lilli again, it was a sad, lonely feeling being on that table.
In the recovery room I was all alone until Jason came in and showed me pictures on our camera of Lilli. I immediately thought she looked like me. I was shaking uncontrollably and overall miserable, but I was already so in love. I’m crying now as I type this just thinking about it.
My mom was finally able to come sit with me in the recovery room while Jason was with the baby. I was still shaking so badly. Finally, Jason brought Lilli in to see me. It was heaven. She was so precious. I couldn’t hold her at first but somehow we were able to breastfeed. Jason told me later that he was holding her, his back about to break! She latched on easily and perfectly and it was then that I stopped shaking. Having her near me, on my breast, was the ONLY thing that helped me recover. I’m so thankful for that time to be with her. It was a moment I will always cherish.
Soon after, Jason left again and I was with my mom, the nurse, and finally my doctor. I don’t remember much of what he said, but he did mention that she was sunny side up and had I gone into a vaginal delivery it would have been VERY tough on me and her. He was glad we made the decision to operate and he said the next baby could be born vaginally because it was nothing wrong with my body. I made a joke to him about it being his birthday present (it was his birthday that day, too!) because I knew he loved to operate. He hated it that I had to have a c-section, because he knew how badly I wanted to avoid it. I was glad to have the chance to talk to him, even though I barely remember it!
While I was in the recovery room, Jason was finally able to introduce our daughter to our friends and family. This is the moment he had been waiting for, the reason we had kept her name a secret. Thankfully my brother-in-law captured it on video! It was a precious moment for him and our family and friends. It felt so great to finally be able to share her name with the world!
From there I was wheeled to the postpartum room where I finally met up with Jason and Lilli. I actually got to see him in the nursery with her, and he was talking to her in her little bassinet. It was adorable.
I was so out of it, I don’t remember much at all from then on. Due to the c-section I was stuck in the bed while Jason held, changed and took care of our daughter. This was very hard for me to go through. Although we were breastfeeding, it was painful and difficult to get in a good position. So doing that was very hard for me.
Thursday and Friday were hard. I was in pain and couldn’t move much. Taking that first shower was not only painful, but I thought my insides were going to fall out! I hated losing my catheter because that meant I had to get up to pee and it hurt so badly! Of course I tried to move and walk as much as possible, as I heard that helps with recovery. I also asked for a support belt, which was the best thing in the world! I loved that belly binder! But it was miserable not being able to take care of my daughter. That was the hardest part of all. My blood count was low on Thursday morning so I had to keep the IV in, which I HATED. I hate IV’s! I was able to eat and my favorite meal was a ham and cheese sandwich!
I did get a little depressed on Friday because Jason was getting to bond with Lilli and I wasn’t. Although I have been a little weepy and emotional since, it was that day that was the worst as far as my emotions. I hated that I resented Jason for being able to hold our daughter, but I did. I have since told him about this and I know it was just my hormones and everything I had been through, but it was still a very weird feeling for me.
As for Lilli, she stayed in the room with us most of the time. Actually, we kept her in the room with us all night Wednesday and Thursday. It was only Friday night that a mean nurse came and took her and told us we couldn’t fall asleep and keep the baby in the room with us (no one told us that before, we had no idea.) I still think this is hilarious – what were we going to do when we took her home? Never sleep!? Anyway, the nurses in the nursery called her the “Hoover” because she loved to suck so much. That’s probably why my nipples cracked and bled those first few days!! Overall, she was a perfect baby. She rarely cried! We thought she would cry more when she woke up more, but to this day she rarely cries.
One night a nurse came in to check on us and Jason was in a very deep sleep. She woke him by flipping on the light and he screamed “WHAT THE HELL!?” at her. Thankfully, I was awake and able to tell her that she had just scared him. (Little did she know he is prone to sudden outbursts when woken like this!) Poor nurse, she was a sweet older lady. Jason felt bad about it the rest of the stay!
We left on Saturday and by then I was moving around easier and feeling a little better.
We had lots of visitors but thankfully never too many at one time. That first day at home was hectic with people coming over and me trying to nurse, but we managed to get through it. My parents helped us take everything home, all the gifts and flowers. One funny story – Jason had ordered me a huge bouquet of yellow lilies. He wanted them to be delivered to my recovery room AFTER she was born (Keep in mind we hadn’t told anyone her name yet!) Instead, the florist sent them early and my mom came in with them! Jason about freaked, as did I. Thankfully mom didn’t catch on, but it could have ruined the surprise!
Looking back, my story is one of medical intervention after medical intervention. I know that they were all necessary at the time, and we will never know what might have been. However, it’s hard for me to think back and wonder if we made the right decisions. I am more upset about the induction than the c-section. I wanted to call Jason and have the “it’s time” moment. I just wanted to go into labor on my own and experience those feelings. I wanted to see if I could do it without pain meds. I don’t look back at a vaginal delivery and wish I had one, because I know the recovery isn’t fun or easy. But I do wish I would have had more time with my daughter in the beginning of life. However, I KNOW that I am blessed. I know that I am lucky. I know that I have the most amazing little girl in my life and I would do ANYTHING to get her. And that’s what matters.
Lilli is still sleeping, but we have a fun birthday planned today. I hope to get back on some point when she is asleep today and post her monthly update! Stay tuned!
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